I thought Blue Planet would provide some light relief from my long, baby-filled days. I thought the pretty fish would be soothing. The last thing I expected was to develop some kind of species envy and suddenly wish I was a sperm whale.
Sperm whale babies don’t climb up on their cot bars and stand yelling in the middle of the night. There is no need to take them to baby swimming lessons. And sperm whale mothers are not hard wired to wake up when their babies cry. At two weeks old, when human babies are essentially holding a hostile takeover of their parents’ lives, sperm whale mothers ignore their offspring’s clicking noises so they can enjoy a lovely long snooze. What’s more, sperm whale mothers leave their two week old baby bobbing about at the ocean surface without any need for childcare arrangements, bottles, or separation anxiety while they go hunting. Why can’t we be more whale? In fact, for a number of human milestones, there’s a lot that we could learn from the animal kingdom.
Puberty: Be More Caterpillar
As a daily reader of the Very Hungry Caterpillar, I have come to believe that as humans we did not think the whole puberty thing through at all. According to this popular volume, Caterpillars stuff their faces with salami, cake and lollipops, have a nice long sleep, and wake up as beautiful butterflies. Humans consume vast quantities of junk food, get emotionally involved with an assortment of losers and wake up with a Sun-In hair crisis that will take three years to grow out. Or maybe that’s just me.
Finding the ‘right time’ to get pregnant: Be More Octopus
Not for the octopus the two week wait. If a female octopus has a fabulous party to attend, she doesn’t waste the free bar sipping fizzy water just in case she might be pregnant. Once she’s done the deed with her significant other the female octopus just stores those swimmers aside in a special pouch, ready to mix them up with their eggs when it’s convenient for them. For example, after their big birthday party or once they’re sure they’ve secured that promotion.
Embryo freezing: Be More Armadillo
Armadillos do not have any babies on ice in some depressing clinic basement. They do not have to spend weeks getting injected with crazy juice to stimulate their eggs, and their armadillo boyfriends don’t have use a special room in a clinic looking at armadillo porn. Armadillos practice delayed implantation, which means they can simply get pregnant, and keep their embryos in a dormant state until they’re ready to go ahead. Soft on the inside, maybe, but these creatures are definitely not soft in the head.
Pregnancy and birth: Be More Seahorse
If a male seahorse were a commuter, it would be the one who picks up your entire pram and carries it up the stairs. You would never catch a male seahorse sitting in the priority seat playing video games. Male seahorses are so committed to being gentlemen that they carry all the fertilised eggs until they are ready to hatch. That’s right people – male seahorses are the ones who get pregnant. Of course, once the babies are born they require absolutely no childcare whatsoever. Perhaps the story might change if baby seahorses wore nappies.
betabump and beyond 