The waiting game: Advice for overdue mamas

Spoiler alert: I’ve only gone and had my baby. Seven whole weeks ago, in fact. My little gremlin is dozing in his bouncer as I write, and with my mind finally starting to function again, albeit very slowly, I thought I’d share some advice for anyone going through the waiting-to-give-birth game.

One of the very many frustrating things about getting and being pregnant is the endless scheduled milestones your body is expected to tick off at specified times. First, of course, is the debate about the ‘right’ time to get pregnant, which seems to last all of five seconds. Then there are the relentless measurements. My due date was determined not by my very regular periods, but by the size of my baby at 20 weeks in utero. Now he has finally been born, the measurement continues, but at least outside in the real world, medical professionals don’t try to debate his true birth day because he has chubbier-than-average cheeks.

Unfortunately, at the 20 week scan, my slightly larger than average embryo resulted in the sonographer deciding my due date would be earlier than we’d thought – even though this would have meant I was pregnant during my last period. Not only did this wreck havoc with my Mat B form and almost extinguish my ability to claim statutory maternity pay, it also meant that the day the pressure would be officially on to induce was brought forward.

Optimistically, I had elected to have my child in a midwife-led birth unit where, I was assured, I would have a ‘wonderful’ birth. The birth, as hypnobirthers may say, I had ‘always dreamed of’. I had no such aspirations, simply hoping not to be ripped apart too viciously and be able to bag the double bed in the birth centre recovery room.

As it happened, my uterus had other ideas. Unfortunately, the birth unit will only accept non complicated births – and ones which take place between 38 and 42 weeks. So as my disputed 42nd week approached, the pressure began and with it the sweeps, and the repeated ‘advice’ that I would be increasing the risk of stillbirth if I did not agree to an induction.

I’d like to send a massive hug to any woman out there waiting to go into labour. It is an incredibly unpleasant time. I have rarely felt more irritable, uncomfortable, or frightened. I even managed to get piles, having dodged them throughout the entire pregnancy. But as always, the worst part for me was having to listen to every idiot out there giving me tips, and urging the baby to ‘hurry up’.

I’d also like to direct anyone who knows that woman to restrict their questioning and comments to the following:

1. I hope you’re feeling ok. The last part is really tough. Let me know if you need a moan, or anything dropping round.
2. Get in the car. I’m taking you to a spa, where I have paid for you to have a massage.
3. Would you like a cake/biscuit/glass of wine (no judgement, please)?

If you are tempted to say any of the following, here’s a tip. Just don’t.

1. Not long now! No shit, Sherlock
2. Hurry up baby! By which you mean, hurry up and give birth. Stop depriving me of the baby. 
3. Eat a curry/pineapple/dates/raspberry leaf tea/have acupuncture/sex! Seriously. Do you think that, while I’ve been bouncing on my birthing ball and going for long walks, none of this has occurred to me? Do ou think I’m just not TRYING hard enough?!
4. Just relax. You won’t have time for any relaxing once the baby comes! I can actually dispute this, seven weeks into the other side. After your baby is born you will spend a very large amount of time sitting on your arse, eating and feeding. It is quite relaxing. Babies don’t cry all the time. You will shower again. So if you want to sit around, do it, but don’t believe the hype that this is your last chance. That’s hardly going to chill you out. 
5. Are you having an induction? Let me tell you a horror story about it… Just don’t. We know. We’re absolutely shitting ourselves – or we would be, if it weren’t for the piles. 

and finally, my all time favourite…

6. Any news??????? OBVIOUSLY NOT. 

Pregnant mamas in waiting. If you want it, here’s my advice.

1. Go for a massage. Have a massive, luxury one
2. Eat whatever you want but roughage is probably wise if you want to fend off those piles
3. Catch up with old friends. It really will be a while before you can handle adult conversation or talk about anything other than birth and the baby
4. If you’re nervous about induction talk to your hospital about the alternative. You’re perfectly entitled to a scheduled section if you want one – who knew?!
5. Set up a streaming service. We have Netflix and Now TV. I’ve watched every Sex and The City, Girls and Mad Men in the last two months, and I’m not even embarrassed.
6. Something a lot of people have said to me since having my baby is that everything is a phase, and everything will pass. This is true of being pregnant, too. You will not be pregnant forever. One way or another, the baby will come out – and if it hurts, there are drugs for that. If the world is driving you mad, turn off your phone, stuff your face with biscuits and congratulate yourself on getting this far because pregnancy is hard, and you’ve almost done it. Whatever happens next, you have made a tiny human and that, my friend, makes you a legend.